Thursday, March 19, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Just kidding, that sounds unnecessarily needy. My blog is really for me. Why? Because I've discovered that if you make people laugh, they will like you more. Even better though, if I can make myself laugh, then I like myself a little more. It's kind of a win-win situation.
I've been thinking a lot about just what makes a person successful, mostly just because I have an undying desire to just be successful right now. At 22. Hey, if Taylor swift can do it, why can't I, right? WRONG. I know that deep down, success is just what you make of it. Unfortunately, it's not just like getting a bunch of signatures on a petition, like HEY YOU'VE REACHED YOUR 50 SIGNATURES CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE OFFICIALLY PERFECT. That kind of makes it sound as though adulthood is an exclusive club. Just pay a certain amount each month, and you can have a cool box mailed to you every month with stuff like Adult Magazine, and shit like kale chips and fiber biscuits and if you pay more, you can have the premium box that includes really good wine and your own personal therapist.
I guess really, my biggest fear being the young tadpole that I am, is that I'll never know what I truly want out of life, that I base my decisions on what other people want for me, and what others will find impressive. Even worse, I'm nervous that I'll never make sense out of anything that life throws at me. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people intentionally hurt other people? Why does the government take so much of my money and what do they actually do with it anyway? (you know, since all of the public transit I ride is from 1975, all of the roads are falling apart, and I don't see public schools doing much for kids these days)
Sometimes I wish that I was surrounded by people my own age more often. Graduating early sounded like such a great idea until I entered the work force and realized that I'm the only one who deals with the issues I do. You know, the "twenty something" issues. If you still have no clue, I'm pretty sure Buzzfeed comes out with daily articles on crazy life is in your twenties. The truth is, though, that older people make the best company. While it sucks being around other people who seemingly have everything figured out and who seem to have some sort of stability and control in their lives, it's a reminder that eventually I will be like that. I'm sure if I could manage to find some magic glasses that made it so I was able to see others when they were my age (definitely not unlike some sort of cool x-Ray vision type shit) I would see myself in a lot of them.
And sometimes it's hard, because I see older people who still don't seem to have things figured out. I see little old ladies, crocheting on the train, with cat hair all over their coats and a look in their face that is filled with regret and loneliness. Sometimes I get scared, too. Life is literally like having a friend who will love and hug you and build you up, but is also subject to random bouts of beating the crap out of you in a dark alley and stealing the shirt right off your back. I guess it is all about hindsight though. Maybe you got the shit beaten out of you because you genuinely needed it. Or it got you out of going to something you truly didn't want to go to. And maybe that shirt was way too small, or unflattering. It's always hard not to constantly think about all of the "what-if's." It's also hard to come to the conclusion that I can kind of control things. If I don't want to be a sad, lonely old cat lady, I just won't allow myself to fill the voids in my life by allowing feral cats into my home. I've been pretty good at it so far. Anyway, I'll be a dog lady, they're much cooler :)
Friday, February 20, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
I've come to the conclusion (again) that growing up is really hard. In the attempt to navigate life's treacherous waters while staying afloat and not getting the awesome metaphorical pirate hat that I'm probably wearing wet, I have succeeded and failed and succeeded again multiple times already. One thing I'm slowly learning to accept though is the fact that sometimes life throws you a huge storm and sometimes you just gotta ride it out. The best way to ride out a storm? Movies. What better way to relive your childhood than with a good old Disney movie?
Anyone who knows me in real life will know that I will always to my grave argue that The Lion King is the best damn movie ever created, and of course, with the new Frozen craze, I have pissed off (and by pissed off, I mean mildly annoyed people who proceeded to not listen to me anyway) many good folk. However, it came to me (in the shower, as many good moments of genius often do) that some of the Disney movies that I watched growing up have TERRIBLE messages.
*DISCLAIMER: I absolutely do not advocate never watching the following movies again. You probably learned worse things in public school anyway. This is purely for the purpose of me being a jerk and ruining your favourite movies for you :P
POCAHONTAS: Someone strange walks into your village from a different country? By all means, be totally naive to their ulterior motives. Odds are they probably won't try to kill you with smallpox blankets (what they never show you in the sequel is that the reason she went off to England is actually because they destroyed her village with smallpox blankets.)
CINDERELLA: I'm pretty sure my cousin inspired this one. If a guy you danced with was too drunk to remember what your face looked like and therefore tried to cover his tracks by making every girl in the village try on a shoe, you should definitely marry that guy because he's rich and you don't care anyway. I laugh because when she got married, she probably though she was done cleaning up after people lolololololol
THE LITTLE MERMAID: If you meet a really hot guy on the beach, change everything you are to be with him. Seriously, even your species.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Meet a hot stranger in the woods? Dance with him. Find out that he was totally fondling you in your sleep? Marry him.
SNOW WHITE: I seriously don't know what this gullible bitch was thinking. If a strange old lady randomly gives you an apple, and then cackles as you take and eat it, you are just asking for trouble. She probably left her drink unattended in bars too and just ignored the funny taste it had when she came back or the strange guy lurking dangerously close.
I'm not even going near the movie Frozen, since I'm pretty sure that Elsa was just paid off by climate change deniers to cause an eternal winter. And also, if you have freaky uncontrollable ice powers, try seeing a doctor. At the very least, maybe a shrink so you can at least make an attempt to control them.
I just love The Lion King because it is the perfect coming of age tale. First of all, it is Hamlet with lions. How is that not cool? Let's take one of the greatest playwrights in history and use one of his stories as our next movie! Sounds good to me.
Also, I have no clue if maybe it's just because gender roles don't really apply to lions, since they are basically backwards anyway, but the lionesses literally don't take shit from anyone. Most Disney princesses live on the premise that as long as they do their daily pilates, there will always be someone to take care of the rest. Nala, however, is a self sufficient lioness who isn't afraid to get what she wants.
Most of all, it's so realistic. It literally goes through everything that a typical young adult would go through. Seriously who doesn't have at least one evil uncle? Just kidding. Actually I'm pretty sure I do.... But I can safely say that he's never tried to kill my father and blame me for it.
Anyway, aside from all of that, it really is realistic. What young adult doesn't see themselves in Simba? When you're little, you think you're invincible, right? And I like that simba is a cocky little shit in the beginning, because you know what? We all were. You were bullied in school because as a kid, you think that you can literally do and say anything you want to anyone and there are no consequences. Simba is the perfect comparison to a child's free, optimistic, "rose coloured glasses" spirit.
And then guess what, his dad dies. Mufasa, literally the most badass lion father who ever lived, it turns out is actually just mortal. We have all had our "mufasa dies" moment. Whether it is puberty, or simply the lesson that you can't get what you want in life all the time, or maybe someone actually died, we've all been there. I have a firm belief that in order to be a good person, life has to bitch slap you in the face at least once. At LEAST once.
This is getting long winded, so to wrap it up, we all know how it ends. Simba runs away with some vagabond hippies, smokes some grass, sees his father's ghost and realizes that he can't change the past, but he must learn from it. It's a tough pill to swallow, but he literally ran back towards his problems, beat the shit out of them, and reaped the sweet lion rewards.
So for the record, if life knocks you down and steals your crown, get up, put that shit behind you and go reclaim your rightful place in the universe. That's a life lesson that I can get behind.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
1. They spell "Kidz" with a Z.
This reminds me of people who still use "txting language" even though we've invented autocorrect. People who still say "coolio," and who still say stuff like "u r cool." Why are we promoting this? Seriously, it just about kills me to think that a bunch of business executives with advanced degrees sat in a room and were all like, "Hey, how do we market this stuff to kids?" and they figured that spelling something incorrectly was obviously the best way to do it.
2. They pick songs with terrible messages and think that by changing all of the bad words, that the song is magically okay for children.
If you've ever looked at the back of a Kidz Bop CD, you find hits that you would find on any radio station, except all of the bad words are taken out and replaced by stupid phrases. I also can't stand when they sing songs that are obviously written by emotionally troubled adults. You know that song "I Don't Care (I love it)?" You know, the one where the girl crashes her car into the bridge and watches it burn after a guy (who's about twenty years older than her) dumps her? I just can't trust that song being sung by a nine year old kid. Especially since they're singing it with a big ass grin on their face, as if mental instability is hilarious. Seriously, nine year old, you don't understand. Your biggest hardship in life thus far has probably been getting a girl toy in your happy meal instead of the boy one. We all know you wanted the ninja turtle over the princess one. Go cry me a river.
3. These kids are making more money than I am.
Seriously, go f*** yourself, nine year old singer of Kidz Bop. You lend your prepubescent voice to a cause that is cultivating a degenerate breed of children, and you are making more money per album than I will ever make in my life. 1
Before you start reading, however, I would like to warn you: this is another rant on diets. I know we really don't see enough posts about this (sarcasm), but I feel like my two cents is warranted.
What prompted this? Well, in the time that I have woken up, checked my news feed, read the news, and drank my morning cup of tea, I have been exposed to a fistful of HEY, HERE'S A DIET THAT WORKS. And you know what? They all look really stupid. I wish I had a dollar for every time I saw something that promised "fast, long lasting results." I'm sorry, that's basically an oxymoron to me. Either you like bird food (and you have never had weight problems), or you don't, and you are overweight. Forcing yourself to like salads because it's what some "diet guru" says you should is not going to work.
I guess I'm sounding a bit harsh, but honestly, I have been exposed to this my entire life. I was dealt the "bad genetics" card. My parents worked full time to support us and didn't have the time to make all of those dumb "kid approved-healthy-animal shaped-paleo-no carb-no fat" pinterest snacks. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared if my celery was dressed up to look like a caterpillar, it was still celery, and it tasted awful. I was a fat kid, but I really ate no worse than any of my friends, they all just had lightning speed metabolisms, and so I was the one who was picked on.
Now, before you get the wrong idea, being really overweight is not a healthy thing. I definitely condone diets for those who really need to lose weight for health reasons, emotional reasons, whatever, but I think that we go about them the wrong way.
1. We first establish that people are fat. According to the all knowing BMI calculator, I am morbidly obese. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't waddle, I wear an average size for jeans, I have one chin, and I am not too big to ride on amusement park rides. My cholesterol, blood pressure, and all of those other levels are all normal/healthy, and my doctor has told me that I'm not actually obese. Now, personally, I know that if I lost 15 lbs, it would be beneficial, but I've decided not to put my trust and self worth into a scale number/online calculator that doesn't understand my love for bacon.
2. We tell said "fat people" to eliminate this, eliminate that, carbs are bad, fat is bad, don't eat so much, eat six meals a day, whatever. You know what's bad? Excessive ANYTHING. If you eat nothing but salads all day, that's not healthy. If you eat your weight in pasta every day, that's bad too. Now, if you FEEL better not eating so much bread, then do it, but if you are just going to be thinking about fries all day, then you won't feel much better. We tell fat people to eat vegetables all day, but don't teach them how to grow a vegetable garden (WHICH WILL MAKE YOUR VEGGIES SO MUCH CHEAPER). Seriously, bagged lettuce and freeze dried fruit gets expensive after a while.
3. Then, we tell fat people that they need to buy all of these packaged diet foods. You know why? Because diet companies, like everyone else in the world, like receiving money. If you are eating frozen rubbery chicken, and bland broccoli every night in a tray that looks like it would feel a two year old child, then you probably won't stick to your diet. Then you feel more guilty, and buy MORE diet food that will likely not be enjoyed. We tell them to eat less, and eat better foods, but don't teach them how to make it taste good. If you eliminate the butter from your vegetables, it won't taste as good, but if you add garlic/herbs/whatever, it probably will.
4. Now, once their self esteem is completely dependent on how well their diet is going, we tell them to exercise. Exercise is SO good for you, but nobody wants to run around on a treadmill all day like a damn hamster. That's just not enjoyable. Go ride a bike. Go for a walk. Maybe you won't work up a sweat, but you're still moving. Find something you enjoy. Honestly, I can't stand workout videos (if they work for you, disregard my opinion). I can't trust anyone who looks that happy doing push-ups in a cold gym all day. Most of us don't have the time to do two hours of pilates all day, just take pride in not sitting on the couch all day.
Anyway, the weather is nice, so I'm going to go ride my bike.